


World

by cerabi



Series: World [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M, Tokyo Ghoul: re, Tokyo Ghoul: re Spoilers, Touken, kanetou, tokyo ghoul - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-04 23:32:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12178641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cerabi/pseuds/cerabi
Summary: There was a hint of sadness in his voice, and his eyes were glazed – as if he were a scene that was far from where they were. His mother was his world when he was young, and despite the fact that she did not live for him, he knew that for parents like Ryouko, their child was their world. “Most parents would want that for their child I think, to live happily. They are a symbol of their hopes and dreams.”





	1. Decisions

 

 

I.

 

_‘How is this even possible?’_

_‘Why now?’_

She never expected to get pregnant while they were fighting a revolution. Touka knew what it would mean for her, given the state of the world they were living in at the moment. With ghouls at the brink of extermination, what they found was but a little solace in the base they had built in the 24th ward.

Once again, she looked at the calendar and briefly counted the days that had passed. If she had guessed it right then she was a few days after her first month. _Damn it,_ she felt like an idiot. Of all the things she had pondered as to why she felt nauseous lately, this had to be the answer. Her hand automatically found her stomach as she closed her eyes. _‘Will it even get the chance to live?’_

_Did she want it to live in this world?_

_‘Oh god,’_ she felt her heart clench at the magnitude of the words. She shook her head as her fist tightened around the pen she was holding. _She didn’t know._

She stood up from where she sat and aimlessly walked out of her cell. Her thoughts were filled with the overwhelming revelation as she put one hand on her elbow. The possibility of a pregnancy born from a human and a ghoul was rare in all its forms, and yet she found herself in a predicament because it happened anyway. Immediately, she thought about Kaneki and sighed. She could imagine his shocked reaction and immediately thought – _would he want this?_

_She was scared, so very scared._

“Onee-chan!” a boy, not older than ten, tugged her clothes, pouting.

“Yuki?” She realized she had wandered outside the cellars and looked down at the incessant boy who held onto her clothes.

“What’s wrong onee-chan? Why do you look so sad?” His eyes displayed genuine curiosity, and at the same time she was surprised by his remark.

“N-nothing,” she answered, her cheeks flushing from the realization that a brat saw right through her. “I was just thinking.”

 _‘Of course, the quickest escape on a child’s query.’_ She smiled sheepishly.

Yet Yuki’s eyes were still as bright and inquiring as they can be, as if they saw right through her. “Did the king make you sad? I will fight him if he did!” He puffed his chest forward and put his hands in either side of his hips.

The child was so pure that Touka couldn’t help but grin at his heartwarming gesture. She bent down to ruffle Yuki’s hair. “Go back to your quarters before it gets dark, okay?”

The child nodded in response and gave her his widest smile. “If I will be a good boy, can you read us those books again?”

“Of course.” The way his face lit up at Touka’s confirmation was enough to tug her heart. She stood up and watched as Yuki scrambled back to the cellars with a huge toothy grin plastered on his face. Briefly she wondered, will her child be this pure and innocent? Untainted by the blood that was currently staining the world? Will it have the same inquisitive eyes? Will it say the same heartwarming words?

Her stomach tensed at the prospect of seeing a child that looked like Ken smiling at her with his wide, toothy grin. It still felt surreal to her and yet, it has made her heart flutter and her stomach fill with butterflies.  And so, alone with the internal conflict that was her mind, she found herself wandering again. But this time, it was as if her feet were leading her to the place her brain didn’t want to go to. Yet as she entered the cellar and took in the familiar musky scent of wood and spices, she saw a familiar face.

Ken looked up to her inquisitively, immediately sitting up to offer her some space when he saw her come into his cellar. Touka could see the bags that lay bare under his eyes, as evident from his lack of sleep. He gave her a tired smile as he scratched the back of his head, and she couldn’t help but remove the stray hair that managed to keep a part of his face hidden as she stood in front of him.

As gentle as the gesture felt, for Ken Kaneki, Touka Kirishima was strength.

And sometimes, he didn’t think there was a room for any weakness in her with how staunch and steadfast she was. Touka never showed it out in any battle – not even when they were facing death. Nor did she show it in their base where others could see. Around them, she was immovable, unable to bend or break.

But behind closed doors and the darkness that enveloped his room was a different story. It was evident on the tired smile she managed to put as soon as she saw him, or on the way her eyes looked down when she sat down and caused the bed to dip. Today, she was a knot of ill feeling that stabbed straight into his chest as he looked at her.

Her right hand came up to clench in her chest, hesitation and worry written in her face as she balled it into a fist. That was the only strength he could still find in her, etched into her grip. The rest of her looked so tired, like she would shatter if she had to survive another blow.

Ken observed her every action, desperately wanting an answer as to why she looked this sad. Yet he knew that if she wanted to open it up, she already would have. So instead he chose to wait.

He would wait until she felt better enough to open up, and yet he would be there for her until she felt better. Ken took the hand that was in balled in her chest and held it into his as he smiled. When he pulled her closer and wrapped his other hand around her arms, he hoped that it was enough to show her that he would be here for her. He asked her how her day went, because he had been too busy recently that they haven’t been able to spent much time together during the day.

Evenings were their safe haven, and darkness had become their friend. As if to distract herself, Touka answered his question in detail. She told him how she and Hinami taught the kids to write a few words, and described the joy that was painted in their faces when they managed to write. She told him how annoyed she was when she thought how one of the brats managed to hang out with Nishiki, and how Hinami tried to stop her from beating the kid’s sassy ass into a pulp.

And throughout it, he smiled as he found some semblance of peace in a time of chaos. Her words were music to his ears as Touka put her head in the nook of his neck and closed her eyes. Some of her tension dissipated at his warmth, and Ken told her about their plans to scout an area around the 24th ward for provisions.

 _Should I tell him?_ His voice felt distant and muffled to her, as she thought about the calendar that was splayed in her room.

“Hopefully I can get some supplies for the kids as well.” Ken finished, trying to validate his plans with her. Touka nodded, a sad smile was plastered on her face at the thought of another child’s face, one that was same as Ken’s. “That will make them happy.”

“I still wonder why Eto keep them in Aogiri.”

“If you were in her place, wouldn’t you?” Touka asked, looking at him curiously.

His lips were pursed into a thin line and his eyes were distant. “Eto was a pandora’s box, it was only herself who knew what she was thinking back then.”

 _Should I tell him?_ Her head is a mess as she drowned in the dilemma. Touka pulled her knees closer together as she tried to find a semblance of comfort. He would eventually know anyway, if the child manages to grow inside her. _IF._

“The one-eyed owl,” she started, her voice quivering. She felt like there was sand in her throat and one of her hands once again began to wander fleetingly in her stomach, as if validating that this was all real. “How did the mother protect the baby inside her?”

Ken was taken aback by the question as he studied her face, which betrayed her curiosity and a hint of sorrow in her otherwise distant gaze. Her form felt tense and heavy today that he kept wondering what happened, worry gnawing him. With a sigh, he tried to think of Yoshimura’s tale. “Her mother,” he recalled, remembering the manager’s sad smile as he thought about his wife. It must have been difficult for him to live after her death, separated from his child. “…gave the child what it needed, that’s what the manager told me.”

“Do you think she made the right choice?” Her voice was raspy and was looking for an answer from Ken that he himself couldn’t really give. If Eto wasn’t born, then maybe all the ghouls would have been eradicated… or would it be that way? The tragedy and balance she brought was tremendous, and he couldn’t really fathom blaming it on anything after he accepted to be the one-eyed king that she and Arima had set up for him.

Also, he felt like as a mother, Ukina never really felt like it was a mistake for a child to be born. It was the fruit of their union, something that would leave their legacy.

“I think every child should allowed to live.” He was not sure why he answered this, as he remembered his own loneliness as a child. He just felt like it was the correct choice, a choice he would have made if he was a parent. He yearned for a parent’s love after all. “Your mom,” he looked at her and smiled, remembering her story from long ago, “she sacrificed her life for you and Ayato to have a future.”

There was a hint of sadness in his voice, and his eyes were glazed – as if he were a scene that was far from where they were. His mother was his world when he was young, and despite the fact that she did not live for him, he knew that for parents like Ryouko, their child was their world. “Most parents would want that for their child I think, to live happily. They are a symbol of their hopes and dreams.”  

Touka smiled at his answer, her own stomach feeling the butterflies at the realization that maybe, just maybe, the child would be her salvation in this otherwise tragic world. _She wanted it, oh god, she wanted it so much._

It was his gift, and her hope.

That night, as she laid comfortably in Ken’s chest, with the latter sleeping soundly, she brought his free hand and entwined it with hers. And thus, she let her tears fall for the first time.

* * *

 

II.

 

He was at a loss when she finally revealed the cause of her distress.

At first it did not properly register in his mind, which was preoccupied with the fact that the CCG laid down a trap by using Yoriko. But Touka’s decision to reveal her pregnancy to him made it clear what her decision was.

He could only imagine how much it hurt her to decide.

She had held herself together just for him to be aware that she’d rather not have him lose what he was fighting for, just for the sake of one person who mattered a lot to her. Ken observed how she pulled her legs together to comfort herself, and how her downcast eyes shined with the sadness that radiated in her face. She wore a very sad smile, as if every word she spoke hurt.

He knew she was hurting a lot, knew that it hadn’t been easy for her to talk to him about this. And it pained him to see Touka suffering. He wished he could do something, anything, just to see her smile brightly once more.

“The child, when is it due?” The question made the situation feel more real than it already was. His heart beat loudly against his ribcage, seemingly drowning any other noise that was possibly present.

A father? Who was he kidding? He did not know anything about becoming a father!

What if it didn’t even get the chance to live?

What if he became a bad example?

What if the child grew in a world tainted in hate, would he/she grow to hate them as well?

What if he fucked up? _What if? What if?_

“December.” Touka responded, her voice a mixture of anxiety and longing that did not get lost to his ears. He was scared, but the thought of becoming a father was furthest in his mind at the moment. All he saw was her hope, and the anxiety that gnawed her at the thought of him rejecting it. Her actions spelled with uncertainty that even her hands were shaking. He knew she had been trying to steady herself, as she waited for his response. It pained him to see her like this.

But there was a certain melody in her voice, one that spelled faintly of hope.

He felt the melody of her words tug his heartstrings. Touka’s face betrayed many emotions, most of it sadness. She was even terrified. But if there was one thing that he saw that radiated more than that, it was this small, tiny hope that she so desperately wanted to cling onto. And he was glad he could see it.

“I see.” _So this is what you have chosen._

“I… I’m glad.” He gave her a small smile, as a gesture that he would be there for her for all of this and would support her decision. He did not know what to think of the baby, nor did he think he was cut out to be a father.

But for Touka, he would. He would endure, he would make it work.

“Really?” Her face glowed with disbelief at his answer, her eyes wide. She couldn’t contain her surprise and he had to chuckle at her reaction. If he had guessed, she did not expect the conversation to turn this way.

“Yes, really.” Slowly, tentatively, he reached for her hand. A silent gesture that he was there, and that even though he was far from perfect, he would be here for her – his world.

* * *

 

III.

 

_‘This was the end.’_

There was a sad smile on her face as she held onto Hinami’s unconscious form. Until the very last, she wanted a miracle to happen to make sure the girl would be alright.

That they would spare her. ‘ _I’m sorry, Ryouko-san.’_

But Touka knew it was all but a dream, the CCG wanted their annihilation after all. So instead of wishing for someone, _anyone,_ to save them, she held onto her to shield Hinami from any more pain she could possibly endure. It was her duty as her older sister. She knew it was a futile attempt to protect anyone at this point, since in the end, death would come for them anyway. Yet there was still this part of her that wanted to hold onto dear life, or at the very least, she hoped that should she fall, someone would have gotten here to at least save Hinami.

 _She couldn’t even feel her body anymore._ Every little movement was a struggle, every breath painful. 

In the corner of her eyes, she could see the reaper’s form descending towards them. He had slow footsteps, slow and deliberate, she guessed. _There was no escaping this anymore._ They bathed the area red with the blood of humans, and thus, earned their retribution from the death reaper.

But in her heart of hearts, she just wanted to live and It hurt. _Damn this world!_

Touka wondered if all the ghouls she had lead were able to escape. She hoped they did, _please._ Should she die, she at least wanted their deaths to have a meaning with them surviving. Her heart clenched as she thought of Yomo, who stayed behind just to protect them. Did he survive? She hoped so, and she hope he would realize that she really tried to protect everyone. She hoped Yomo could also lead Ayato from falling from grace should he find out the news. That idiot had the tendency to lose it, so she hoped Yomo’s calm could balance his storm.

Her heart clenched at the thought of her beloved brother going home only to find it destroyed by the hatred that seeped into the very core of the world. She closed her eyes. She could hear the reaper’s footsteps getting closer and closer.

 _‘Would you be sad, Ayato?’_ I hope he wouldn’t see this sacrifice as a way to get revenge. _Please, please, please._ She knew he would be anguished, knew that he wouldn’t forgive himself for failing her and Hinami. But she still held hope he would find his way and live. _Just like another idiot she knew._

O _h god_ , Kaneki. Another idiot. Touka had many hopes for him, for them. I’m sure he would be devastated once he returned to base. Her heart constricted in pain at the thought of him. Just when she thought she could finally see a light in his otherwise empty eyes, _this_ had to happen. She wanted to hope, _pray_ , that once she had come to pass, Ken would still continue to trudge forward towards the path of peace. She knew the idiot would blame himself, he might even lose it.

It was painful to think about. With a sigh, she put one hand to her heart. It still beat painfully inside her chest, but soon enough that beat would cease. And it hurt to think about it.

 _‘I’m sorry, Kaneki. I tried.’_ She didn’t want to sadden him, and yet it pained her that all his efforts led to this.

She wished that a miracle would descend and enlighten Ken, help him live forward after she was gone. She wished that all the pain and torture that he had received since he became a ghoul would be cleansed, and just like Haise Sasaki, he would be able to start over. But she hoped that this time, he would be able to come to terms with his past. If there were any gods, she hoped they could hear her final request.

A lone tear fell from her eyes at the thought of her loved ones. She wished she could have spent more time with them, wished that they all had a chance to relive what they had in Anteiku. It would have been nice, she thought, to see everyone she held dear inside the walls of her beloved coffee shop once more. She would have given everything to see their smiling faces.

She could imagine Yoriko visiting her in the shop. Would she be able to forgive her? She knew that she shouldn’t have just disappeared just to protect her. Because in doing so, she led her to a dangerous path. She wished she would be able to live, wished that her story wouldn’t end like hers.

Her body was full of scratches and injuries from the battle that transpired today. And yet she was proud that she was able to protect the one part of it she wished so much to save. Once more, the hand in her heart slowly moved towards her stomach. It was a struggle, as every movement caused her pain.

But this pain couldn’t even contend to the pain she felt when she realized who it was she failed the most. It wasn’t visible still, and yet the hope that this child brought her was immense. She was grateful as well that no one knew, for she couldn’t imagine the horror it would’ve been if they found out.

 _‘I’m sorry, my child. I guess mama wasn’t strong enough to last until you would have been born.’_ It felt like a tragedy, but unlike the sacrifice of her mother, she wouldn’t even have a chance to save it.

_‘What would have it been like?_

_To have hold you in my arms as you breathed the first signs of life?_

_To hear your cries for the first time and see your face?_

_To see your smile and laughs, to see you grow.’_

She wouldn’t even be able to hold the tiny little hands or walk her child to school. She wouldn’t be able to play with it and whisper words of comfort whenever the said child fell down. Her heart clenched at the thought. It pained her, it pained her so much that all she ever wanted would be destroyed along with her.

The reaper was close now. She thought about all of her loved ones, and of a nameless child she tried so hard to bring to fruition. In her mind, she tried to reach and hold the child’s hand.

To her surprise, tiny little hands held hers. She closed her eyes.

_It was time._


	2. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope. Was this the life that they were fighting for?
> 
> If so, then it finally put a meaning to the word king.

IV.

  


Darkness.

She felt nothing at the moment, devoid of any thoughts or feelings.

_Was she dead?_ She wondered, her mind hazy.

She couldn’t recognize where she was, nor could she remember much of what happened. She remembered blood and doves, the way Hinami fell and how she held her, and lastly, the feeling of blacking out. There was no pain.

_It did not matter now._

She was dead, right? What else could be the possible explanation for all the darkness that had currently wrapped her? It was darker than the night, with no possible source or form of light near. She felt cold as she tried to stir her hands into motion.

If this is the underworld, she had hoped she could at least move or speak.

_Warmth?_

The hand that she tried to move suddenly felt warm to touch. It was good and relieving, a good contrast to the darkness and cold she was feeling.

_Touka-chan?_

The voice, was it Ken’s? Was he calling her back? Strange, his voice did not sound pained at all, it sounded worried. Did he follow her here? _Please no._

Slowly, she opened her eyes. She squinted in the darkness, her eyes not yet used to the intensity of the light from her surroundings. With how little light there was, she guessed that it was already night time, as there was only a faint yellow light in the corner.

And there, stood before her, was Ken.

He looked so tired and worn out, with bandages littered all over him. There was worry written all over his face as he held her hand with both of his.

She made it? But what was the cost?

Eyes wide in realization, she suddenly tried to sit down, gasping for air she didn’t know she had been breathing. Her whole body shook and screamed at her for her effort, and her throat felt so dry and raw. She could hear how her heart roared inside her chest at the realization. “Hi.. nami!”

“Calm down.” Ken reassured her, placing both of his hands on her shoulders to anchor her back into the bed. “Hinami’s safe. We’re ok, the child is too.”

She looked at him, wide-eyed and gaping like a fish. Slowly, her hands went into her stomach, as if she wanted to confirm and reassure herself that it was there, that it was safe. Tears trickled unknowingly from her eyes, and before she knew it, she was already crying her heart out. She was relieved, so very relieved, that she thought all of this wasn’t real.

 And yet, the warmth that radiated from Ken’s body as he held her close was enough for her to feel safe, to feel that she too, was alive.

They made it.

* * *

  


The following weeks had been rough for the one-eyed king. Not only did he feel like he failed his people, he felt like he had failed his loved ones. Nightmares haunted him regularly, all fueled by the fact that he almost lost Touka, almost lost _everyone._

As if to add salt to the wound, Touka herself hadn’t been feeling really well. Her recovery had been slow, and it pained him every time she threw out whatever food they tried to feed her. It had been three months since the CCG attacked GOAT and yet she was still weak and famished, with her form growing thin in each passing day. The only consolation that he thought of was that she had completely recovered from her wounds. She had also reverted back to her usual self, as if the events of the 24th ward didn’t happen.

A charade? It made him think, because he didn’t know if his decision to keep it was right.

He felt like soon enough, he had to intervene and make her realize that this wasn’t worth it. Not only was she growing weak from the pregnancy, he felt like the child too, was not getting the necessary nutrients it needed in order to grow. It was evident with the fact that the bulge in her stomach was barely even noticeable.

_It didn’t feel right anymore._

As he wandered back to the small cottage after the meeting that had just concluded, he kept thinking on how he could tell Touka that he felt like the pregnancy was futile. He was sure she would protest, but that did not stop him from trying.

_He couldn’t lose her._ Not again, not after the disastrous fight that happened in the 24 th ward.

He steeled himself and sighed, because he already knew how this would go. And when he felt that he was strong enough, he opened the door. “Touka-chan?”

The room was eerily quiet that if he hadn’t seen her figure he would have thought she wasn’t home. But as he stood by the pillar of their room, what greeted her was a sight he never imagined.

Her eyes were wide and curious, as she stared down at the slight bulge that emanated from her stomach. One of her hand was splayed curiously in the protrusion, as if she felt something she shouldn’t, while the other supported her frame. He would’ve panicked, except for the fact that the look in her face was that of disbelief, that she herself couldn’t fathom to think that whatever was happening wasn’t real.

But what made him the most surprised was the way the tears fell from her eyes.

They were not tears of pain, nor of sadness. And he couldn’t help but wonder what happened that enabled her to feel this way. She seemed not to have heard him, because her gaze was still glazed.

“Touka?” He repeated her name. This time she turned to look at him, eyes still wide with surprise. He didn’t know if he should be worried or not.

So instead, he went beside her, his heart in turmoil while he tried to mouth the words he wanted to say. Yet his throat felt tight and painful, as if it was burned.

It was Touka who broke the uncomfortable silence when she produced a half sob, taking his hand and putting it in a specific area near her belly.

_Movement?_

It was faint, almost fleeting that at first, he thought it was a fragment of his own imagination. A few moments later, he felt it again and his eyes widened in surprise at the gesture. He looked at Touka and he realized how much his eyes mirrored her own. “Is that..?”

Touka nodded, her own eyes gracious, brimming with unshed tears of hope. Her eyes were drawn to his face, and Touka finally found a light that spread across his features despite his exhaustion. Her smile grew and the warmth of the scene mesmerized her, her hands moving to lightly trace patterns against the skin of his that rested in her abdomen.

She knew it was overwhelming for both of them. For Ken, it was strange and at the same time, it felt frighteningly beautiful to feel a life fighting to survive and earn its rightful place in this world. He gently stroked the exposed skin in her belly, trying to find comfort in the small movements of the child. _How did he ever think of letting go of this?_

It was the first time he felt such movement from an expectant mother, and it suddenly filled him with a swell of emotions he never realized existed. He felt butterflies in his stomach and he felt like his heart was full. He could only imagine how Touka must have been feeling at the moment, as the scene he unveiled finally caught up with him. And then he realized, it was the first time he finally came to terms that he was about to become a father.

_Hope._ Was this the life that they were fighting for?

If so, then it finally put a meaning to the word king.

 

* * *

V.

  


The quiver in her belly made her flinch as something turned and twisted. She let her hand fall down to rest over the swell until the child under her palms stilled. The baby didn’t seem to care for being stationary any more than the mother did, and Touka found herself pacing back and forth in the room just to calm it. When she stopped, she traced the glass on the window as she looked outside, only to find Ayato and Hinami playing with the children. It warmed her heart how peaceful they looked, and she hoped that her child would be able to experience the same.

“Are you both okay?” Once Touka heard the familiar husky voice in her ear, she leaned back into the pair of arms that she knew would already be waiting for her. In a way, she was surprised it took him long enough to even come back, given that he almost spent every waking moment by her side the last few months.

“We’re fine.” Her cheeks were flushed. Up until now, she still wasn’t quite used to this gesture and his everyday fussing. Sometimes it felt like he was the real mother hen in their relationship, save for the fact that she was the one carrying their child.

She could think about all the things Ken Kaneki was good at, including fighting, and yet the very first thing that could come into her mind recently with the mention of his name was how he took care of her, Hinami, and even the Zero Squad kids.

Shio practically clung to him like a younger brother did. When he knew that Ken was home, he’d pop up and then to visit with the other children, sometimes even requesting home-cooked meals or books to borrow. And as quiet as Yusa and Li were, she knew they shared the same sentiments as Shio.

Ken took her hands into his, practically ignoring what she said as his fingers curled around hers. In turn, she turned into his arms and curled into his chest, appreciating the warmth that radiated from him. “You don’t have to ask four times in a day.”

She appreciated it, a lot in fact. But it got into her nerves sometimes how repetitive it was.

“I… I know,” he responded, hesitant. She didn’t miss the tension in his voice. “But I worry anyway. I just –” He cut off, shaking his head into her hair as he held her as tight as he could. The months had been rough for him, Touka knew. Not only did they have to move deeper within the 24th ward, the security and rebuilding he had to do as one-eyed king took a lot of his time, especially after the events of the raid that happened a few months back.

She knew he wasn’t over that, for during the evening when everything was at peace, it was his soul that couldn’t escape from the nightmares of that day. Even in the best of times that the recent months had dared to provide, the pain and guilt still lingered with him, and left him on an overprotective streak with her. The warmth from their bodies must have helped him, as the tightness in his grip slowly eased.

After a few moments of peace between them, Touka moved away and reached behind herself as she pressed against a spot at the small of her back.

“Touka-chan, you’re not pushing yourself now, are you?” His eyes looked worried and she let out a sigh.

“Kaneki!” She put as much indignation as she could into her voice and pouted. “I keep telling you, I’m fine. It’s driving me mad that you keep repeating this.” She sighed the last out. “This is just a backache, I’ve been having it on and off recently.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” He inhaled, pondering on her words. “I can get you something from the outside, maybe another set of pillows for you to rest against.”

“No, what we have is fine. Besides, it feels more comfortable to sleep next to you than to drown in pillows.”

He chuckled lightly from her comment, and yet it did not quite reach his eyes. “Would you like a massage instead?”

Touka paused, pondering on the suggestion. “I can take the last suggestion.”

Carefully, she turned and sat on their bed, leaving enough room so that Ken had access to her back. She really appreciated his presence during this pregnancy, being as hands-on as he could be. Briefly she wondered if she would have survived this far if he wasn’t around. He was there with every morning sickness, going as far as holding her together when she became too sick or too weak to move. He also gave in to her every craving, even going back to the city just to buy the things that she would only try to retch later on. And now that the child has grown big enough in her belly, he was the one who made sure she was always comfortable, not that he ever failed to do so in the first place.

He paused, Touka noticed, probably trying to figure out what to do to make sure he was actually helping in some way. When he felt comfortable enough, he settled his hands on her shoulders and began to slowly move them, easing the tension in her muscles. Touka let out a breath at the touch, feeling a sensation of relief with his every stroke.

“Touka-chan, your shoulders are so tense,” Ken commented from behind her. Touka let out a hum, closing her eyes as she fell under her husband’s touch. The gesture continued for some time, as well as the silence that enveloped both of them.

After a while, Touka felt like something was amiss. It was evident in the tension of his strokes. Briefly she considered letting it pass, but her heart had another plan it seemed, as it bothered her a lot more than she could ever think. “Kaneki,” she started, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. “Are you overthinking again?”

His actions halted with the question that she had to turn around and face him. He turned away from her and hid his face as he attempted a lie. “N-no.”

She put the palm of her hand in her forehead as she sighed. “Don’t do that with me.” Gently, she reached over to him to turn his face towards her. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong Touka-chan.” The false cheeriness in Ken’s voice would have fooled anyone, but not her. She fixed him a glare that could have pierced through him; and she held that gaze for a few good minutes until he sighed in defeat.

“Alright. I was just thinking,” he started, hesitating on how he would continue. She could see how much he struggled to find the words to speak, as his eyes moved around to see anything but hers. When he finally spoke again, it was too quiet for Touka to hear.

She frowned and leaned in. “What did you say?”

Conflicted, Ken closed his eyes and breathed in a large gulp of air. In one swift motion he suddenly blurted, “I don’t know if I’m cut out to be a father.”

Silence settled between them as Touka blinked at him owlishly. She felt it was absurd for him to think like that, given how much of a mother hen he was. But while she knew her husband appreciated her honesty, this sort of subject seemed like another one where tact was appreciated more. “What makes you say that?”

His lips thinned into an unhappy line, as he avoided looking at her still. He did not respond to her question at all, which frustrated her.

The answer came to Touka in a sudden flash of insight and she sighed. The world was still tainted with blood, so the dangers and the possibilities of conflicts were still ever present, not to mention his own painful childhood.

“I don’t know anything about being a father,” he said quietly, his eyes contemplative and downcast. “I don’t know how – how to comfort a child, how to care for them when they are sick,” he sighed in frustration, passing a hand over his hair. “I don’t even know how to make them happy. I never had a father, so no matter how much I wished I had a good example to follow, I can’t think of anything.”

As if the child felt his father’s frustrations, she got a sharp kick on the side of her abdomen, which caused her to gasp. The movements had been varying in intensity lately, but she felt like the child itself was doing acrobatics in her womb. Gently, she put her palm in his cheeks, urging him to look at her as he put a hand over hers. “Kaneki, no one is a perfect parent.”

Her words seemed to have a direct effect on him, as his eyes widened. She knew this wasn’t enough to solve this, as he had always thought he wasn’t enough for anyone. So instead, she told him about her own fears. “I’m also scared, no, actually, I am absolutely terrified,” she opened up, her eyes downcast. “I grew up trying to raise Ayato, but as you know, I felt like my efforts weren’t enough,” she smiled painfully, remembering when her brother left her. There devastating emptiness and desperation she felt as he slipped within her grasp, and it hurt a lot back then. “My mother… she died before I even really knew her. And as you know, it destroyed the kind father that I had.”

At this time, she was already holding him in her arms, his face resting in the crook of her neck. Her heart ached at the thought of her parents, whom she still longed to see after all these years. “But you know, this is our chance to make our child see that it’s our hope and dreams. We will make mistakes, but I am confident that the child would grow well and loved – because it has you for a father.”

Touka put his hand where the child was actively kicking, as if to remind him that the fruit of their love was alive and could feel its parents’ plight. She could sense warm liquid seeping into her dress, and yet she made no mention of it. Instead, she opted for the comfortable silence that settled between them, as if nodding at their understanding.

She never told Ken that she sometimes woke up he touched her belly. On nights that he felt insecure and flooded by nightmares, she knew that he found comfort in her presence, and yet it was the child where he drew the source of his strength. Sometimes she would catch him as he murmured whispers, kissing the growing bulge. On other days, she would find his hands protectively splayed across her stomach, as if he was shielding the child, as if to tell it that his father was there. “Some things you just learn by doing, and parenthood is one of them,” she whispered wistfully.

Ken was silent, and for a heartbeat she was terrified that her words hadn’t reached him. But then a wry smile suddenly graced his lips, chuckling. “What would I do without you?”

“Wallow in guilt and self-hatred whenever you messed up,” she responded, unamused as she pinched his face.

As if it had sensed the apprehension that started to dissipate from both of them, the child decided to kick Touka hard in the ribs, causing her to double over. “Ugh, I can’t wait for this brat to come out. My womb had become its punching bag.”

Ken laughed, any lingering tension fading away. He kissed her forehead and Touka closed her eyes at the gesture, as one of his hands comfortably settled in the curve of her stomach.

_‘You already are a great father.’_

* * *

__

VI.

  


_‘A boy.’_ Ken told himself as he looked down at their child.

It was the first time that held him, and he looked so fragile and tiny at his touch. He brushed a thumb over his forehead and through those first wisps of black hair, only to find that the child had opened his eyes for the first time.

_‘Touka’s eyes.’_

_‘Hello little one.’_ He was still reeling from the fact that the child was actually here, born from Touka’s insurmountable strength and will. He couldn’t believe it, and if someone asked, he would tell them that maybe he was just dreaming. Bright and curious eyes interrupted his train of thought as they looked at him. Ken felt like his son could see through his soul at that moment, and it surprised him when the child suddenly gripped his finger.

_His son._

There was a certain warmth in knowing that this was the product of their union. He felt like his heart was ready to burst at the moment, overwhelmed by emotion and happiness. Gently, he kissed his son’s forehead, with the resolve that could shatter a million tragedies.

_A gift, a gift that he never thought the heavens were capable of giving. It was too much, and all he could ask for._

_So, this was how it felt like to hope for a future. If this was the reason why he fought, he could fight anything._

-

When Touka woke up, the scene was quite different from what she remembered it to be. It was more peaceful and quiet, and it did not take her long to figure out and remember what happened yesterday.

As soon as the thought of the baby fully hit her, Touka’s eyes grew wide, and with what strength she could muster from her tired body, she tried to sit up slightly as she examined her stomach. When she felt the empty bulge that protruded, her gaze began to scan around the bedroom in a small panic. She came into a quick realization that she wasn’t alone, as her eyes darted on a figure who stood near the window, seemingly engrossed with the little bundle that he was holding in his arms.

For a moment, she just sat there to simply watch as the new father gently rocked the small bundle to sleep. She couldn’t help but to give a small, tired little smile at the sight she met, noticing the serene and peaceful look on his face. She didn’t really want to make any noise, but she had guessed that Ken noticed her anyway because he suddenly approached her, his eyes shining with warmth.

It was the first time she saw him look like this, as if he was holding the world in his hands.

“How long was I asleep?” her voice was raspy, her throat felt rough from misuse.

“A few hours, give or take,” he responded, settling down in the side of the bed to show her the new addition to their little family.

_‘A beautiful, baby boy.’_

Her heart fluttered wildly in her chest as she took in the incredible sight before her, emotions running on a tumultuous pace. Ken gently and carefully handled the bundle into her care, so that their son could finally get to meet his mother.

“He takes after his father,” Touka murmured as she cradled the sleeping child close against her. Her hands fought between shaking and staying steady, which may have been partly why she kept him rested against her arm and body. Even though she’d been with child for so long, actually holding her son in her arms was a new and unexpected sensation, one that she never thought could even happen.

Ken could feel his wife’s sides fluttering against his, fighting between crying and laughing from relief. A glimpse of her eyes also showed him that they were gleaming with unshed tears, while her mouth kept tugging into a grin. He himself had been reeling from the fact that their child was finally here as well, amidst the severity of the situation and the complications that came along with it. It was heartwarming to witness this scene, despite how tired he was. At that moment, his own world had been narrowed to the wife and son that lay in front of him, as his mind spun in euphoric circles. In a hushed tone, Touka finally spoke, “He has your hair, and your nose.”

He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, marveling at the peaceful sight who was oblivious of his parents. With a tug, Ken drew his wife and son against his chest. “And your eyes. I hope he inherits your strength,”

“And your kindness,” she finished for him.

_Hope._

The word was a melody to her ears. In that moment, it was as if dawn has finally broken in the world that was filled with darkness, as she marveled at the sight before her. She gave her son a small peck in the forehead, and as if he sensed his mother’s presence, he put one tiny hand forward to lightly grasp her cheek.

_‘So, this is what it felt like? To have your world suddenly light up at the sight of your child.’_

Everything felt right. It felt strange, and yet it was unsurprisingly the most beautiful moment in her life. At that point in time, all the pain and suffering she had experienced to bring him into a world seemingly fleeted out of her system.

And like Ken, it felt like she was holding the world in her arms.

“Welcome to our world, Kazuki.”


End file.
